Dark Shadows 2
by Yunaman
Summary: Based on the recent Dark Shadows movie with Johnny Depp. Barnabas discovers that he still has relatives in England. After travelling there he finds out that he and Neville are relatives. However, Dr.Hoffman is back and this time she wants revenge.


Dark Shadows 2

Author's Note:Yesterday I watched Dark Shadow and I liked it a lot, so I'm very excited. So excited that I decided to write a sequel. Enjoy!

1997

Knocks banged hard on the door of Collinswood manor. The loud racket had managed to wake up Barnabas Collins who was busy sleeping in his chique coffin with his lover Victoria. He put on a pair of badass shades and opened the door. There he saw no one but a small telegram. He used his vampiric claws to rip it open and began reading the concealed letter.

Dear Barnabas

It may concern you that you still have relatives in England.  
I am your last surviving relative over here, and as such I would like to meet with you. I know very well about your case of vampirism and I do not mind as I am wizard. Please come and visit. In this letter are enclosed directions to where I live. Bye!

Barnabas was most excited. He could not believe he had relatives left in england. He wanted to go there and visit them immeidately. He had the servant Willie and quickly waved goodbye to the adult paranormal investigator David, still hippie werewolf Carolyn and the aging but still somehow hot Elizabeth. He was driven to the airport,  
where he went to buy a ticket and sat down in the waiting hall. As he sat down a crazy old lady started to yell at me.

''That's my seat, you gothic sonofabitch. Stand up! It's mine.''

''Forgive me, madam. But I saw this seating spot first and therefore it is mine.''

''Get up!'' The crazy granny shrieked and hit him in the knee cap with her cain with superhuman speed.

''Do not anger me. You shall most regret it.''

''Get up, you pussy vampire wannabe.'' She continued.

''That's it!''

Barnabas jumped up and uppercutted the jaws out of the old bad with his leg. He then proceeded to punch her in the stomach, making her fly several feet in the opposite of his direction. The granny seemed dead, but then slowly got up and wiped the blood from her lip. ''It's go time, bitch!'' She ushered and rushed. The elderly granny counter punched him into the wall. He got up, fixing his spine.

''Seems like the old wench is stronger than she seems.''

''I was a boxer in vietnam before you were born, pretty boy.'' She said and badassily spit out a tooth.

''I was a hunter of big game such as yourself before you were born.'' Barnabas replied.

''Why you?'' The old lady moved in for the kill, but Barnabas managed to dodge her attack. He then grabbed her arms and started to spin her at 349 rpm, until he let go making her fly off into the stainless steel window, which she broke with her huge ass. She fell into the engine of nearby plane, which was going to lift up and made the whole thing explode into a huge cornicopia of pure fire and brimstone.

''I hope you suck on Asteroth's demonic dick, old wench!''

Barnabas sat down on his seat.

''Yo nigga vamp, that's my seat, bro. Get up before I get all gangsta on yo ass!''

''Oh, for heavens sake!'' Barnabas excalimed. Then to the black guy. ''Let's see if I can get ''gangsta on yo arse'' too. Shall we?''

ON THE PLANE

Barnabas is sitting on his seat and eating peanuts covered in ketchup from those small bags. He is astonished by the magic of miniture bags.

''Escuse me, stewardess, may I have some more of the tiny ketchup bags?''

''I'm a flight attendant not a stewardess, you sexist pig. Plus you've had enough of those.''

''I SHALL TELL YOU WHEN IT'S ENOUGH, FLYING CARRIAGE WENCH! IT IS NEVER ENOUGH!'' He said and drank her blood in front of the other passengers, he then bit off her medulla oblongata and threw it into the capitain's lap, who was too busy fucking a flight attendant. The piece of nervous tissue scared the shit out of him and the plane started to plummet quickly.

''Do I have to do anything myself?'' Barnabas pushed aside the in heat pilot and bitch and flew the plain to safety. All the american passengers clapped, because he saved them and he was awarded the higgest american honor and he was knighted by the Queen.

LATER

Barnabas arrived in the rendez-vous point. There he met a teenage in a robe, almost an adult.

''Hello, Barnabas Collins. I am your only remaining living descendant here in England. My name is Neville Longbottom.'' The boy said.

''You're an fraud trying to steal my money! You're not a collins. Prepare to die!'' Johnny Depp screamed out.

''Calm down. After my parents dies they left me a documents that reveals I am actually a Collins. I recently found out you existed and that's why I didn't write sooner. Here,  
see the document.'' Neville handed him the document of his heritage.

''My God, you really are a Collins. I'm very sorry for thinking you were an impostor. Can you forgive me?''

''Sure. I'm a wizard at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Why don't you come with me and I'll show you all my friends.''

''I assume it could not hurt.'' Barnabas sighed.

LATER AT HOGWARTS

Neville showed all his friends the tall and pale vampire. Hogwarts was a very tolerant school and as such was nice towards vampires. They were usually Slytherin.

''Nice to meet all of you. I am Barnabas Collins, Neville's distant and lost relative.'' He offered Harry a handshake.

''You're not gonna rename me to Vampire and force me to tatoo a pentagram on my forehead, are you?''

''No such thing, my boy.''

''Well, in that case my name is Harry Potter the boy who lived.'' Harry said smiling.

''I'm Ron.''

''I'm Ginny.

''We're Fred and George.''

''I'm Luna.''

''I'm that asian chick, who kissed Harry in the fifth movie.''

The friends of Neville presented themselves. Now it was Hermione's turn.

''My name is Hermione Granger. I'm one of the best witches here at Hogwarts.''

''Witch? Why do test me so, Satan? Prepare to burn in the sulphurs and mercuries of hell, wretched Harlot.''

''No no! I'm the good type of witch.'' Hermione tried to stop Barnabas.

''I'll be the judge of that. You shall submit to my witch test to see if you're a good witch.'' Barnabas ordered. He then bitchslapped Hermione hard enough to knock out a few teeth.

''What was that for, you limey vamp tramp.''

''Twas to determine whether you're a good or bad witch and it succeeded. You're a good witch. Frmo now on I shall be nice with you, but if you ever stray from the path of the good witch, know that I shall not tolerate thy stupidity and I shall burn you at the stake personally.''

Hermione gulped.

''Guys, guys, calm down. There's concert in the great hall today. Let's go there and cool off.''

''Is it going to be Alice Cooper?'' Barnabas asked.

''You'll see.''

LATER AT THE CONCERT

The group arrived at the great hall. In the middle of the huge room were Nirvana who were singing ''Smells like teen spirit''. Everyone was dressed in rock t-shirts and was rocking the fuck out. Neville, Harry, Luna, Hermione, Ron, Fred, George and the asian chick started to head bang to the rhytm of the song. Barnabas looked at everyone rather curiously.

''It sounds like someone's chanting something about Satan in reverse. Then again, the beat is good so I'll ignore that.'' He started to tap his boot to the beat of the song.

Suddenly the group were approached by Draco Malfoy and his cohort of two fat guys.

''Having fun while listening to your shit music, Potter?'' Malfoy said with a devilish grin of evil.

''YOU TAKE THAT BACK, DRACO YOU PUSSY CUNT NIGGER FAG!'' Harry screamed. No one insult mothafucking Nirvana in front of him.

''Manners, Harry. Manners. Such a potty mouth. And from a Gryffindor too.'' Hermione expressed.

''Keep staying mad, Potter. Meanwhile I'll listen to good music like Hilary Duff,Paris Hilton and Skrillex.''

Barnabas then proceeded to grab Draco by the throat, making it hard for him to breathe.

''Let me go!'' Draco managed to choke out.

Grabbe and Goyle tried to attack Barnabas, but he triped both of them with his foot and they fell in the punch bowl drowning to death.

''Listen here, boy. In my time we don't harass people for liking music we don't like. If you do not like Nirvana, why are even here.''

Draco was silent.

''Speak, you little piece of feces!''

Draco started crying.

''Why do I even bother sometimes?''

Suddenly the music stopped. Someone had cast Stupify on the entirety of Nirvana to stop them. It was... Dr. Hoffman.

''What th- I killed you 25 years ago. How are you still alive?''

''That's what you think. I became a vampire from all the blood I stole from you, Barny. It took 25 years to free myself from those chains. And now I shall have my revenge.''

''How did you know I was here?'' Branabas was puzzled.

''Why, I asked your little girlfriend.'' Dr. Hoffman said while chugging down a whole bottle of whiskey and then revealed a tied up Victoria Winters behind her.

''VICRTORIA! LET HER GO!''

''You wish.''

''Bellatrix is now a vampire. How horrible!'' Neville excalimed.

''Bella who?''

''That's something else I must explain, Barny.''

''Don't call me, Barny!''

''Well Barny, you see I am the twin sister of the death eater Bellatrix Lestrange. Being a squib I was expelled from my wizard nazi family. But now having reclaimed my inner magic by becoming a vampire I can rejoin my family, right sister?''

''Right!''

Suddenly Bellatrix Lestrange jumped out from behind the curtains.

''It's time, sister!''

Both said and bent sideways touching the tips of the their index fingers. They were doing a fusion dance! Out the fusion energy emrged one woman, who looked like both of them since they were twin sisters. She was dressed in a black and had a doctors coat on. This was Dr. Bellatrix Hoffman.

''What sorcery is this?'' Barnabas excalimed.

But he could do anything Bellatrix rushed at him quickly. She played dirty and kicked him in the vamp balls. Barnabas stumbled backwards and Bellatrix tried to kill him by conjuring a huge ass spike to pierce his heart with it, but she was blocked by a body which took the entire it. It was Neville.

''Neville! NOOO! MY last remaining english relative. Why?'' Barnabas yelled out.

''You would of done the same for me. Don't men-'' Neville fell on the ground lifeless.

''YOU SHALL PAY YOU HARLOT!''

Barnabas was so angry, his pure anger manifested into a huge red aura of pure emotion which encircled him. Bellatrix shot metric tons of spell at him, stupify, cruciatus,  
imperio, avada kedavra, but to no avail. All the spells simply bounced off him and hit nearby party guests. He moved close enough for the anger sphere to engulf her.

Inside the sphere, Barnabas's pure anger was billions of small jabs at her skin, which destroyed one cell at a time. Before anyone could realize she was turned into a skeleton. Barnabas's anger resided and he fell on the ground.

''You stopped her, but...Neville's dead.'' Harry said sadly.

Having nothing to do anymore here in england, Barnabas went home with his girlfriend. On the way they had hot and steamy sex.

THE END

OR IS IT?

Deep in the recess of the porcelain recycling factory some broken pieces of white porcelain were being melted and then were made into a pretty little vase. Said vase was put into a box. But suddenly the box started to shake and fell over. Out of it the vase emerged. It had one open eye, which began to appercieve its surroundings. 


End file.
